Days pass by.
And I’m getting closer to being 30.I feel like in the second half of my life so far I’ve missed so many things and still are missing too much.
I feel like in the second half of my life so far I’ve missed so many things and still are missing too much.
Always thinking about the consequences, about what would be reasonable, about the next day, about what others would think, about what my parents would want.
I feel like I’ve missed half of my life. Always struggling, being afraid, getting lost in wondering who I am.
And in trying to function.
Always trying to be someone I’m not.
Trying to hide. Hide my breakdowns, hide the cuts, hide the stack of sweets and acohol, hide the starving, hide the tears, hide my body, hide being trans* (before transitioning and again now), hide being afraid, so afraid.
Afraid of failing. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of not being able to be me. Afraid of not knowing who I am. Afraid of not knowing who I want to be. Afraid of the world. Afraid of living. Afraid of life.
I feel like I’ve missed my youth. Missed so many experiences. Missed feeling free, seizing the moment, enjoying life. Missed too many things I can never make up for.
Missed my life.
So, tell me: Will I ever be able to stop missing? Stop regretting? Stop being afraid?
Stop thinking „I will do that in my next life.“
And start living before there’s no life left in me?
…
Probably not.